TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally from position. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Certainly, certain, let us have One more put in which American Adult men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: offer you everyone a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global Trump Tower Damascus watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must stop employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the job, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Place, a characteristic staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after getting the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting awareness from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where my PTSD can have switch-down company."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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